Oki, men aren’t always credited with having the best of ideas in life, and this was no exception. I would place this somewhere around the “stupid moment” and “idiotic brainwave” level. Allow me to set the scene….
Men have this thing we all have to do that we hate every morning, that is to cut off the very short sandpaper off our faces and make ourselves look presentable for our boss/wife/gf/other. I hate doing it and pretty much always sport lightweight stubble (which I’m told makes me look distinguished… Like my slowly greying hair..).
Now picture the scene if you will, I’m sat in the bathroom talking to my partner as she sits there waxing the stubble off her legs and contemplating shaving, just discussing a few things when I ask her why she waxes. “Its easier than shaving!” comes the reply. So I ask her if it hurts any? Expecting to be told it stings like hell and it’s the second only pain to childbirth, I’m supprised when I’m told it’s like a small scratch.
So, I’m sat there watching and talking and she finishes her legs and goes to see why the kids have gone quiet leaving me to start my ablutions. I am standing at the sink listening to her cleaning up a mess somewhere in the house and spot the last strip of wax in the packet and suddenly get this brilliant idea!!
Well, I thought to myself, it doesn’t hurt apparently and it prevents growth for a while… Might be worth trying surely???
Now the more sane amongst you will be screaming at the monitor at me to not do what’s about to happen, and the others of you will be about to curl into appeplexy with laughter as you suddenly realise what happened next..
I read the instructions on the packet and pulled out the last remaining strip, placing it to my cheek and pressing into the stubble to ensure maximum adhesion and rubbing it to warm the wax into the hair. I looked at myself in the mirror and a dark cloud suddenly loomed above my face as I realised what you all have been laughing over for the last few mins.. Crap, now I face a problem.. The strip is well and truely stuck now, a quick lift of one corner and wiping of eyes verifies this. And so I face a dilema. Do I call my gf through and risk her deciding that marrying an idiot like me will play murder on the life insurance? Or do I just act like a man and rip it off?? I decided to keep this idiocy under wraps and be a man..
Looking about me, I rolled a towel into a roll and put it between my teeth and bit on it hard, psyching myself up for the inevitable pain that was due to descend apon my face any moment. It was just as I was about to start peeling off the wax strip that I heard the door open and someone enter with a smelly potty.. She took one look at me, one look at the strip on my face and towel in my mouth and promptly fell about the room in howling laughter nearly spreading the waste part of yesturdays kids meal with her.
Now, either she felt sorry for this sad idiot in front of her, or she has suddenly discovered this sadistic evil side, either way she was going to help me here and there wasn’t a damn thing I could do about it. Making me grasp the towel with both hands she took hold of the top of the wax strip and uttered the immortal lines.. “ready? On three..” I never knew women could be so evil.. She got to two and yanked the strip off and stepped gingerly away from arm distance. Before I knew what just happened, the pain hit me like I’d just walked into a semi at 90.. OMGWTFBBQYEOWCH!!!!!!
My whole side of my face felt like it had been ripped clean off with the strip, unfortunately it didn’t clear all the hair off in the strip either, sothere were still clumps left. I looked a state, red raw cheek with clumpy stubble, tears rolling out my eyes like niagra falls, the towel in about 8 bits inside my mouth, and language you wouldn’t even hear in the dirtyest adult movie exiting my mouth. After my partner picked herself off the floor and had a few puffs of her inhaler to stop the laughing asthma attack she looked at me square in the eye and said, “well I knew you were an idiot, it’s just been confirmed how much now” and then promptly carried on laughing her ass of at me.
Like I said at the start of this post, you ever have those “well it seemed like a good idea at the time…” moments?? That was mine. I fully recommend it to drunken passed out college kids as a frat gag, or getting one back on your mate.. But believe me, I now understand why men never invented waxing shave pads.. Bee sting my bloody arse it was!!
So there you go.. Jonno: ten steps ahead in stupidity, so you don’t have to… Lol
